PROJECT:OBJECTIONABLE (17)

By: Dean Haspiel
November 27, 2021

One in a series of 25 first-person narratives of offense, outrage, innocent transgression or principled affront, in attire, display, speech or spectacle.

DIRTY DOORKNOB

I’m a Brooklyn-based cartoonist and playwright who moved into a new artists space during the ides of the COVID-19 pandemic. Recently, there was a flurry of email exchanges on our floor questioning how much longer we need to wear masks in communal spaces. One studio mate was insistent that people wash their hands whenever they leave the bathroom. A good healthy habit to have but I wondered why that person needed to make sure everyone washed their hands? Especially since hardly anyone in the studio congregates, much less talks to each other. Is it any of my business when you wash your hands? Clean hands or not — no one is touching each other. Here is my response that I never sent:

To those studio mates concerned about everyone washing their hands when they leave the communal bathrooms: I have a greater concern. What about the interior bathroom stall doorknob? You know, the door that creates a private toilet sanctuary sans sink? You have to handle THAT doorknob before getting to the communal sink to wash your soiled hands. How do we fix the problem of urine- and feces-infected bathroom stall doorknobs?

PROPOSALS:

1) We look into self-cleaning doorknobs? Do they exist? If not, can someone in our shared studio space invent one?

2) We hire a 24-hour bathroom monitor. Like those workers in the nightclubs who hand you a paper towel and a mint. The worker you felt bad NOT tipping because you can grab your own damned paper towel. And, good lord, what happened to that person that they wound up handing paper towels and mints to a thousand strangers in a nightclub bathroom? (I’ll ask my friend who did that gig back in the ’90s at The Palladium.) Anyway, if we hire a bathroom monitor at $25 per hour it would cost approx. $17k per month. Split between 100 studios, that could cost each studio an extra $170 per month. Of course, said monitoring would be split into 2-3 shifts. Ergo, 2-3 monitors. Friendly and, ultimately, intimate faces to meet and greet you at the bathroom and get to know your business. Oh wait, we have TWO bathroom areas. Which means it would cost $34k per month. Making it an additional $340 per month to your rent. Ouch. Never mind. Let’s scratch this idea.

3) We remove all bathroom doors so we never have to touch a doorknob and have direct access to the sink to wash our filthy hands. Alas, we’d get to know each other VERY WELL. And, that could lead to human beings actually acknowledging each other in the hall.

Image by Dean Haspiel and Whitney Matheson

MOVIE OBJECTS: INTRODUCTION | Ramona Lyons on EYE OF THE SERPENT (CONAN THE BARBARIAN) | Faythe Levine on BEDKNOB (BEDKNOBS AND BROOMSTICKS) | Gerald Peary on CUP OF COFFEE (THE BIG HEAT) | Christopher Orr on TOM’S HAT (MILLER’S CROSSING) | Lynn Peril on TRANSISTOR RADIO (DR. STRANGELOVE) | & 20 MORE.

PROJECT:OBJECTIONABLE (17)

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